You can't look away

Monday, July 14, 2014

Shit My Dog Says

Today I cleaned out the refrigerator as our dog, Mudge, watched with rapt interest. He came running as I dragged the big trash can over to the open fridge door, combining two of his top-three favorite "Receptacles For All Things Wonderful." The third being the toilet, natch.
His eyes never left my hands as I pulled things out and threw them in the garbage. He seemed distressed. This is what I imagine he was thinking with every toss:

I'll eat that!
I'd like that.
Is that a hot dog? Who keeps one hot dog?
That smells good.
That smells bad, which is also good.
Is that a salad or a bag of spinach soup? Pass.
The "crisper" is a waste of space. More like the "limper"amiright?
Is that Kombucha? Smells awful. Remember that time you went vegan? Worst eight hours of my life.
Oh.. yes! The deli drawer. Now we're talking. . .
I like cheese
I like cheese, even with surprise pills in it. I ain't even mad.
I like turkey
I like turkey
I like turkey
You buy a lot of turkey.
I like whatever meat that was
I've never had salad dressing, but 2012 seems like a very good vintage.
Milk. I used to love milk. I bet I still do. Um, or is that cottage cheese? Either way.
Just pour it in my bowl! Easy peasy! No, in my bowl. Wait!
Is that chicken?
Is that the BBQ chicken from, like, two nights ago?!
You're throwing it away?!??
IT'S PERFECTLY GOOD CHICKEN!
YOU BITCH!
I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE, LOOKING AT YOU!!
I hate you.
I'm going to destroy something you love.

Mudge at his most pathetic.







8 comments:

  1. This is high-larious. Poor Mudge.

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  2. OMG- that face! Mudge is a cutie!!!

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  3. Sounds like my toby :)

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  4. LOVE this! I love Mudge too. <3

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  5. HA! How sad for Mudge! :D Great post!

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  6. I owe Abby both a big thank you, and a letter bomb. Because now I will waste HOURS at work binge-reading your blog after having read this. 'Bye, productivity! Good thing we were never very close in the first place!

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