You can't look away

Friday, January 18, 2013

You're Welcome, Manuel

Hi, Manuel- Let's not make this any more awkward than it already is. You just saw me naked.

I know- you just came over to trim the trees with your crew. I wasn't really aware of the extent of the trimming about to take place, because, well, I don't give a shit about tree trimming- that is Current Legal Spouse's department. He set it up. So, I was inside, oblivious as usual. That's how I like it. I heard the chainsaws while I was showering but didn't think much of it. I heard voices while I was toweling off but I hear a lot of voices. (Take that how you want.) Then it happened. You were there, high up in a tree on a cherry picker and you saw me. Through the top of the big Palladian window. Naked. I saw you seeing me. Awkward.

Peepers gonna peep.
Then I dropped to the ground and belly crawled, ninja-style out of the bathroom. Now that I've located my robe and maybe a shred of dignity, I'd like to go over a few things with you, Manuel:

- I'm 43. I've had two children and my children are young. This last baby was pretty recent, and maybe I haven't lost all the baby weight.

Okay, fine- she's 6 years old, but still.

- I was putting lotion on my legs when you saw me and I'm guessing it wasn't really the most flattering position. My leg was hiked up on the tub like a Sears underwear model. Even Kate Effing Moss has a fat roll when she's hunched over, okay? A few seconds before that I was stretched out, arms above my head, perky-breastedly drying my hair. In that position I bet my stomach was incredibly... non lumpy. Did you see that? Of course not. I feel I need a do-over, as that was not a true representation of my assets.

Just slatherin' on the body butter.
- Also, for the record, I wasn't singing "My Sharona". I don't care what you think you heard. You are probably partially deaf from that chainsaw.

- I know I need to clean my windows. And/or get some better blinds. You need to put your eyes back in your fucking head and concentrate on your job before you lop your arm off, creeper! How dare you?!?

-I'm sorry I lashed out at you just now. I'm feeling vulnerable, Manuel.

And lastly, not that I care... but, um, I'd just like to know your overall impressions about what you saw in that window. Were you overcome with desire? Or maybe the desire to hurl?
Hot?
GIFSoup

Or not?
GIFSoup
I mean, out of all the accidental nudity I'm sure you see, where would you rank me? Sometimes a gal just needs to know that the day laborers still find her attractive, ya know? You get it.

Finally, I hope my little gift to you will be reflected favorably on the bill. Unless you want me to cry. Totally your call.

Okay. Good talk, Manuel. I'm going to hit the gym now. See you next year.


37 comments:

  1. Oh my, Rachael. This is the funniest thing I've read since... your last post. I love the peeps. I love it!

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  2. HA! I'm left wondering if Manuel has a blog and what he might be posting! ;) Very funny as usual, Rachael. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh.

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  3. He probably didn't notice anything other than your boobs. That being said, I would feel the same way you do, and hope that he enjoyed the show. LOL

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  4. HA! Manuel loved it, Rachael, I just checked his Facebook status this morning and it said so. Oh, and all your angles, rock, sister, so don't worry about it! This cracked me up, as usual, thank you for that, I needed it. :)

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  5. So funny, I once stood naked in my foyer, bending over comforting my barking dogs only to find that there was a police officer at my front door shining his flashlight through the glass because my alarm was going off......needless to say, I was still sent a bill for the police call.....it was one of my most embarrassing moment....or em bare ass ing moment...

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  6. Remember my peeping Tom? Came in the backyard and I didn't even have to pay him!!

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  7. Just kidding it was a creepy experience from a deviant with a cold,callous look on his face! Dad put up a deer camera and a padlock on the gate. Thanks Dad!

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  8. I'm sure you made Manuel a very happy tree trimmer! Haha!

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  9. Bwahahahah! That was hilarious! I'm sure Manuel was very happy!

    I'm sure my neighbors have seen me nekkid on more than one occasion. I just don't seem to pay attention that my drapes are open as I walk around naked in my bathroom or bedroom that faces the street. lol No complaints so far, so I think I'm good.

    I love reading your posts Rach. You always make me laugh. Love your face!

    emmi :)

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  10. I'm sure my pool guy has staggered away several times moaning "My eyes, my eyes, my eyes..."

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  11. LOL! Found you after stalking comments on the Bloggess. You made me laugh there too. Now I will go on and creep on you, Manuel-style. Except this entails me just reading some of your other posts.

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  12. Bastardo afortunado! I'm in the wrong line of work.

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  13. I think I just broke something laughing, hahahaha...OW!

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  14. This is just so funny, in so many ways! Good talk. :) Stopping by from SITS and so glad I did!

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  15. OH MY GOSH! this is hysterical! I love how you climbed out ninja style, sounds like something I totally would do, stopped by from SITS! ;)

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  16. Just make sure you know when he's coming next time so you can be in your most striking poses for him! Total redemption! Lmao

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  17. Read that you were one of Jen's favorite poster's in her interview by Kim @ Let Me Start By Saying, and I totally get it. I'm sure Manuel thought you were hawt. SURE of it. Just try not to think about how long he was watching before you noticed him and ninja-crawled away....

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  18. If you crouch down, cover your boobs with your hands, and walk sideways, it makes you totally invisible to anyone outside the windows. Trust me. I do it all the time.
    -Amy

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  19. Man! If i had a dollar for every time that happened to me... i'd still be broke as hell.
    Can't say I'm not happy about that though.
    Psyched to have found your blog! Your writing is hilarious!

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  20. I'm laughing so hard I just woke up my husband. Can I say I love you in my first comment on your blog?

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  21. Best day ever! I found your blog. Also...what did he say?

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  22. Oh, that's priceless. I'm sure Manuel was very titillated. Your the exotic suburban mom. Too sexy for that lotion.

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  23. Been there, done that, girlfriend. I feel your pain. And thank you for the laugh.

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  24. Soooo funny!!!! Thank you for the laugh!!!!

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  25. Manuel will tell this tale when he gets his gold watch after 50 years of tree trimming and it will go down as the highlight of his distinguished career. Giiiiiiiiiiiirl, you are funny. Also, a neighbor once watched me guzzle grape juice naked. I'm pretty sure he's still in therapy and wearing cautionary eye patches.

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  26. Dying. Absolutely dying. I want to hug you - after you put your clothes on though, maybe.

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  27. Laughed so hard at this I had to reread it out loud the the husband. Thank you for that.

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  28. I am laughing so damn hard right now. How dare you, Manuel; you disgust me. But what'd you think?

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  29. BWAH HA HA HA!! This is AWESOME. The Sumo wrestler picture sent me into the snorting laugh!! Poor you. Poor Manuel.

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  30. Hahahaaaaaaa...too much? Sorry but, hahahahaaa
    Okay, I'll stop. I'm sure you look way better than you think :D
    This is the best story ever!!

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  31. :) :)

    I keep saying "i just had a baby" - that was 3 years ago. LOL

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  32. And now I have a new blog crush.

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    Replies
    1. To clarify, I meant you--not Manuel. And I meant it in a non-creepy way. Good lord, I'm leaving now...

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  33. Rachael,

    I don’t think you should feel awkward about this situation. There’s nothing wrong with a laborer catching an innocent glimpse of someone’s mother the way God made her, naked.

    I will say that you were quite thorough at massaging that lotion into your firm thighs. I was really enjoying that and wondering how much longer you’d continue, but the show was cut short when you looked up and saw me there in my cherry picker. I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to startle you. Perhaps next week you can finish this task in the small bathroom at the end of the hall, and I’ll come out to trim the maple near that corner of the house. I’m sure it could use some pruning, and you can never do too much moisturizing on your lower extremities. Please open the window, though, as it is frosted glass.

    Also, not that I was watching, but your hair drying pose certainly did highlight some impressive assets. Perky, indeed! You might notice that the cuts on a few of the larger tree branches are not as straight as they could be. How can a gentleman be expected to run the saw steadily when faced with such distractions?

    Senora Rachael, I know you say you weren’t singing, but you had some very attractive dance moves to go with whatever you were doing. I would be honored to escort you to my favorite bar on karaoke night, where you could use a real microphone in place of your hairbrush to repeat the performance. If you are shy around crowds, then we could go to my apartment instead.

    I don’t really feel qualified to rate you among your neighbors. Let me just say that I look forward to returning often to your house for work of any kind. If you insist that I make an evaluation, I would place you easily in the top 100 women in our town (top 300 when clothed)—not that I’ve been looking.

    I’m glad you understand that I am not creepy and only happened to see in your window by a lucky chance. By the way, Senora Jacobs across the street uses Aveeno Sensitive Skin Aloe shaving cream with good results. I thought you might find that helpful, since your Gillette Satin Care gel sometimes leaves your calves irritated. One more thing—I believe it has been two weeks since you last treated yourself to a pedicure. If you wish, I’ll gladly stop by while your husband is at work and paint your toenails for you, free of charge.

    Sincerely,
    Manuel

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  35. You are HILARIOUS!!! (I also loved "Manuel's" response, kindly provided by Brian.)

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