Wow, You're Still Here?

So, it's 2013. A new year. A time to reflect and get all introspective-like. Maybe reevaluate some life choices. Ask the big questions. Am I happy? Am I living up to my potential? Have I been the best mom to m...

HOLY SHITSNACKS, Y'ALL-- do you know what this week is?! It's the anniversary of my blog! Yes! My bloggiversary! I know you love it when I make up words. I started one year ago on this date. Remember my first post? You should probably go back and read that literary masterpiece to refresh your memory. Then go ahead and read the rest of them, too, while you're at it. Good stuff. (Okay, mediocre stuff with hints of brilliance.) I'll wait here.

Anyhoo, Happy New Year! No resolutions for me, thanks. I don't really make them anymore because they were always about losing weight, having one glass of red wine and being a "kinder, gentler soul", blah, blah...  Yeah, we see how well that worked out. Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly, or something like that.

Not to worry.

I'll never change and why would I? I'm awesome. But I guess I have learned a thing or two in the past 365 days. I would hope so. Maybe a few nuggets of worldly wisdom I can pass on to you poor saps. Some of these nuggets won't apply to you. Some will, but you'll pretend they don't. Some are just my random observations from these past blogs. Take them or leave them; tattoo them on your ass or get them needlepointed on a pillow for your family room. You're welcome.

Here's a smattering of what I've learned this year:

I like the word "smattering."

I talk about my boobs a lot.

Being a mother is, um... challenging.

I'm not what you would call "a trooper" about most things. I'm a bit of a cynic.

Glitter: Herpes of the crafting world.

I will never ever make any of the shit I pinned on Pinterest.

Bitches love tablecloths.

I still haven't been back to Chuck. E Cheese. Therefore, I win.

Don't ever put me on speaker phone with your family in the car. Can't stress this enough.

I don't like falcons landing on me.

Or people sniffing my ass.

Or bugs.

I do love maple syrup. And Joe Manganiello. And I would especially love Joe Manganiello covered in maple syrup--  AMIRIGHT, LAYDAZZ?? sorry.

The catchphrase "Sexual Alpo" is sweeping the nation! Get on board!

My daughter has perfected the Prosti-tot homeless midget look.

Moving Carlos the Elf around each and every night was a pain in my ass.



Blogging is a lot harder than it looks if you're doing it right.

Sometimes the only taste of success someone feels is when they take a bite out of you. Bless their hearts.

Thanks for laughing with me (and at me) this year. I'll keep writing if you'll keep reading. Deal?