You can't look away

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

30 Days Of Attitude... I mean, Gratitude

So, here it is already November. I know, right? When in hell did that happen? But yes, it's here. So you know what that means. Turkey coma and carbo-loading? Yes. Poorly grown-in facial hair for "Movember"? (Google it, I can't do everything) That, too--  but I'm talking about gratitude. Yes, gratitude.

There is a thing going around called "30 Days Of Gratitude Challenge" meaning every day of November you write down something you are grateful for. Some people are posting these daily proclamations on Facebook. For the most part I think it's a lovely idea, and I've enjoyed reading them. Scientist are finding that an attitude of gratitude is a powerful contributor to a happy life. Amen to that.

You know what else contributes to a happy life? Laughing your ass off. The cynical bitch in me just can't help but question some of these platitudes of gratitude. The people that are posting how thankful they are for all they have on Thursday are the same greedy twats that will step on your face Black Friday morning to get the last Furby at Toys R Us. So it gives me a chuckle. Anyone that knows me well knows that underneath the smart ass attitude I am a pretty positive person. Being grateful comes naturally to me, I just don't go around announcing it. I'm a good southern girl and know how to pen a nice thank-you note. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving and the 30 Days, I thought I'd share some... thankful thoughts. My way. My sincere gratitude about some everyday things, beautifully wrapped in a snarky foil package. 'Cause that's how's I roll. Thankyouverymuch.


Today I am grateful the election is over, although your passionate political rants really made me stop and vomit think. Thanks for your help in making up my mind. I couldn't have done it without you.

I am grateful for donuts and stretchy pants. Today. Tomorrow. Forever.

And thank you, American Girl catalog, for showing up every effing time the Kraken wants to check the mail with me. If she's not around that shit goes directly in the recycle bin. How can a damn doll have a more extensive wardrobe than me? She can, but she won't. Bitch.

I am grateful to my hairdresser, who always talks me out of fringy bangs. Even though I could totally pull it off.

I am grateful for noise-cancelling headphones when sitting next to your little angel on the plane. Yes, him singing "Wheels On The Bus" was adorable. The first 15 fucking times.

Thank you, Hoarders and Honey Boo Boo, for making me feel organized and normal. I truly redneckognize all that I have. And don't have (namely, something called "forklift foot").
Sexy
Speaking of sexy...

Thank you, inappropriate MILF who wears her nightie in the morning drop-off car line at school. Your braless jubblies really give the Current Legal Spouse a reason to walk the kids all the way up to the building, especially on cold mornings. The poor bastard has so little to look forward to. Kudos on the gravity-defying fake yabos. Really. 


I am grateful to Nordstrom department store for this sign every year. Nordies, you effing rock. Hard.
What a novel concept.
Thank you, Coffee ice cream, for justifying my eating dessert for breakfast. Because it's basically iced coffee. Everybody knows that.

I'm eternally grateful for Caller I.D. Still one of life's greatest inventions. But not when you call, of course. You, I want to talk to. Tell me more about your cat's bad knee.

Thank you, glitter glue, for combining two of the most reviled products of motherhood into one beautiful, permanent nightmare. It really is the herpes of the crafting world.

I'm grateful for Daylight Savings Time. My kids have been going to bed an hour early for weeks. I may never change the clocks upstairs. Genius!



I'm really grateful I've never been smacked down by the Etiquette Ninjas. But I'd like to join their cause. I think my grandmother was a founding member. True story. She wore a lot of black.

And I'm thankful for you, dear reader. Who always encourage me to keep writing. No snark-- nothing but love and thanks in this last one. No attitude-- just gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving.



30 comments:

  1. Glitter glue, the herpes of the crafting world. HA! Great post,Rachael! Happy Thanksgiving to you.

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    1. It really is. That shit never goes away. Happy Thanksgiving, sweet Daisy!

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  2. Great post as always, Rach! Happy Thanksgiving.

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    1. Thanks, Naner! Happy Thanksgiving to you!

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  3. Movember? Yep, I'm going to have to google it. Great post!

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    1. It's all about the bad 'stache, Karen! Thanks. :)

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  4. You are so wrong for the clock thing, but it is so damn funny! Why only 30 days of gratitude, bitches? What about the other 335, 336 in a leap year, days? I don't subscribe to any type of "do this because it means you're a good person, thing of the day," so fuck off with that noise! I like your ideas about gratitude, Rachael, all rolled up in a neat little package!

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    1. Thank you Ant, and I couldn't agree more. Why wait til November? Tell me how thankful you are (for me) all year!! :)

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  5. The month of gratitude makes me grateful that Thanksgiving comes but once a year. Yeah, being grateful is a good thing but to me it's kinda like jerking off: better done quietly and in the privacy of your own car or office cubicle. Unless you're writing a funny blog post about it--it's okay then.

    Someone should invent glitter lube. Maybe they already have. I wouldn't know.

    Great post, Rachiepoo.

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    1. Once again you've crystalized my thoughts perfectly. Except the office cubicle thing. I would never work in a cubicle. Or work, period... who are we kidding?

      Thanks, C Bear. I am most grateful for your wit and friendship! :D

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  6. I'm thankful for YOU!! And your snarkyness because you do it with love. I feel it in my bones.

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    1. I DO do it with love, Gail! It's true. Deep down, I am a nice girl. Deep, DEEP down... but still.

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  7. Agreed - Nordstrom rocks hard - but, YOU ROCK even harder!
    I'm truly very grateful to be able to enjoy your RachRiot blogs and FaceBook posts.
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones.

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    1. Aww Lynnie Gal, I am so grateful we reconnected. I am grateful for Facebook for that and YOU too! Happy Thanksgiving! xo

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  8. As always you have made me laugh and think and wish I was as clever as you! Awesome post, Rachael. I'm grateful to have you as a friend, for real!

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    1. Me too, Aims, me too! I can't wait until Sushi and Mudge's wedding! We will be Mother-in-laws! :D

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  9. Great column Rach! You are an amazingly talented writer.

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    1. Thanks so much, Kip-to my-lou. You are an amazingly supportive friend! Happy Thanksgiving.

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  10. You're a genius! Now what is this nubbin growing on my ass?

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    1. I don't know, but you better get that shit checked out! It could be a tail!

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  11. Gah. A friend of mine tries to get people to DONATE TO CHARITIES while he grows his scraggly ass fumanchu in "movember". Nothing against charities, but this dude has variations of facial hair all the time. Why would I donate to something in hopes he keeps growing it? Why? Now if I did it..

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    1. Yes, some dudes should *not* attempt to grow facial hair. It just looks like dirt on their face.

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  12. I love caller ID!
    Happy Thanksgiving, Rach.
    Stopping over from SITS.

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    1. I know, right? Caller ID saves me daily. Thanks for stopping by!

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  13. Love this! Glad Finding the Funny led me this way.

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    1. Me too! Wait, what's Finding The Funny? I guess I am grateful for them! :D

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  14. I loved all of these.

    I'm grateful that even though turkey bratwursts make me feel just as awful as regular bratwurst I still think I'm eating healthier.

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    1. Look at you, commenting on my post- I barely had to nag you. Don't worry about that bratwurst. You are working it off with all your biking, not to mention your intermittent rage! That burns tons of calories. xo

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  15. I hate glitter. Glitter glue is fluid of satan himself.

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    1. Ha! I can't decide which is worse-- herpes or fluids... ew.

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