You can't look away

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Doggie Style

We have a dog. For years I was just fine without a pet in the house, especially when my kids were little. I was focused on baby-making and nothing else. But now I'm done with birthing babies. No more. I have two kids, a boy and a girl and that is plenty. My baby factory has shut down; closed for business-- I guess now it's just an amusement park. A downtown attraction way past it's prime. Some of the rides don't work and it needs constant maintenance. It might need some W-D 40 on certain rusty areas. *sigh* Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah- we have a dog.

I'm a "big dog" person. I've never really had a small dog, but I just don't think I would like it. They seem so nervous and bitey and I would always be afraid of accidentally punting it across the floor while half-asleep on my way to wee in the wee hours. If you have a small dog, we can be friends... but I will always know in my heart that we are from two different worlds. If you don't like dogs at all, then something is seriously wrong with you. I bet your therapist already told you that, so I'll leave it alone.

So our dog is my new baby. Our 60 lb. bundle of fur is named Mudge. He is a German Shorthaired Pointer. A bird dog. To say he has a lot of energy is like saying Keith Richards enjoys a cocktail now and again. Mudge is a quivering, miniature thoroughbred on crack. The dog is loco, so every day I have to take him to the dog park to expend some of this craziness. We are lucky to have a beautiful park near our house dedicated just for dogs. It's a six acre fenced-in grassy retreat that includes a lake and shaded areas with benches. We are regulars at the dog park. When we walk through the gates, the other regulars greet us with a "Mudge!" It's very much like Cheers, where everybody knows your name, except we really only know each other by our dog's names. Also there is no bar, which is a damn shame.

     Bird?                       Bird?                  Bird?      

Some of the other regulars include Yoda, a wirey little bat-eared mutt that lives up to his moniker and his crotchety owner. Yoda's dad is like my own personal Ed Asner and I love him. There is the standard poodle named Chatzy, the pit bull Maximus, the mutt Harley, the lab Briggs, and Sir Humps-a-lot. I don't know his real name, but he is a horny motherfucker. Literally. Mudge doesn't really play with any of them, because they are not birds. He is there to hunt birds. That's his job and he must do it. If there are no birds, he is hunting dragonflies.

And then there's Maintenance Dude. Yeah...me and Maintenance Dude-- we got a thing... goin' on. I see Maintenance Dude at least once a week. He comes around to ah, check the sprinklers, fix the fence and generally maintain the park. But he always has time to chat me up. Oh, he makes time- He enjoys my yoga pants (and who doesn't, really?) Yoga pants have magical powers, everybody knows that. I'm getting the idea that Maintenance Dude really believes our witty banter will someday lead to a letter in the Penthouse Forum. Poor sap.



Sometimes Current Legal Spouse comes with me to the dog park and it can get really awkward, y'all. I had to warn him last time. I said, "There's Maintenance Dude-- promise me you won't fight him!" Current Legal Spouse leans in and says something chivalrous like, "Ha! He can have you!" while rolling his eyes so far back in his head he looks like he's stroking-out. "Maintenance Dude doesn't have a clue about high maintenance wife!" he sputters. Because he doesn't understand our love. Then my maintenance dude strolls by us, giving a nod. He'll pretend to mess with the sprinkler head and leave with a wounded look. I like to imagine he goes back to his truck and eats his bologna sandwich while listening to Adele. I call to him, "I'm no good for you, Maintenance Dude!" Current Legal Spouse calls after him, too- "Please for the love of God, take her!" Uh huh. Jealousy-- it's so unbecoming.

Current Legal Spouse also thinks I "baby" Mudge too much. "He's not even a hunting dog anymore!" he laments. And to that I say, "Could you close the door? We are cold," because Mudge and I were taking a bubble bath at the time. Again, I chalk it up to the hub's jealousy, because nobody is taking bubble baths with him and scrubbing his muddy undercarriage.

"Ahhm... jour wife? Chee is ah, ruining thees dog."

Anyway I figure this is a lot easier than having another baby. And I don't baby him anyway! I mean I don't dress him up or paint his nails and stuff. He is just a dog, I know that.

That is not me.

We treat him like a dog, not a person and he knows his place. He does NOT sleep in our bed. Gross.

That is not our bed.

Ok, so he is basically my third child. Not a real child, but a very important member of our family nonetheless. And he seems to prefer me, so he's obviously very smart. He follows me around and seems genuinely interested in my daily activities. Yes, a lot of times I do smell like bacon but even when I don't, he still likes me best. Ask him- he'll tell you.

"Don't you, Mudgie?" "You love mama best? Yes! yes ..woo do, mama's wittle stinky face is sooo cute!" Ahem...

It's time for Mudge's nap- you'll have to go now.



23 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! That made my morning.. I love your Mudge and his crotch-sniffing ways.

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    1. And he loves you! And Harley... although we haven't seen poor Harley in A WHILE!

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    1. He really is, Karen. An annoying sweetie but a sweetie nonetheless.

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  3. lol...Love the picture of him dressed up. He looks good in drag! Better keep CLS on a leash at the park. He's a vicious one, that man!

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    1. Yes, CLS is outta control with his raging jealousy. But, when you're a hot milf, it just goes with the territory. You know how it is, Blondie!!

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    2. Oh yeah, that's why I'm without a CLS so I can work my milfdom!

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  4. Oh dear. Well, I do have a small dog, but I like big dogs too. I'm glad we can still be friends! Mudge looks like a sweetheart. He looks divine in pearls and satin. :D

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    1. Daisy, there are exceptions to every rule, and you and your tiny dog are definitely the exception. Even my mom had teacup poodles... blecchh. But, I loved 'em, so go figure. :)

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  5. Blah, blah, blah. My dog could kick Mudge's ASS any day of the week!

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    1. Oh, you mean your psycho mutt that was BANNED from the park?? Yeah... I know who you are, Mr. Anon!!!

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  6. "Dear Penthouse,

    I am a maintenance man at a small midwestern dog park. You'll never believe what happened to me last week while I was checking the sprinkers and picking up dried dog turds...."

    I like Mudge. I don't know him, but I like him. I can tell from the pics that he is the shit!

    Great post, Rachie-Rach.

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  7. Yep, you might need to help Maintenance Dude write his letter, C! Mudge *is* the shit and full of personality, natch!!

    Thanks, dahlin!!

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  8. "That is not me," cracked me up! I love your postings, I don't know why I am only seeing this a week later. Oh well, I got my laughs in!

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    1. I'm just glad you finally saw it, AB. Thanks! xo

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  9. Lesson learned, do NOT read blog posts such as this when kids are distracting you! The maintenance guy part really concerned me that I had gone from a post about your dog to a post about your amusement park!

    I totally understand about being a big dog person. To me, a dog has to make me feel secure, have some weight to him, but not so much that it's a push to see who weighs more! Then again, I'm not sure that dog exists! LOL

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    1. Ha! You thought this post had taken a turn for the BOM CHICKA WOW WOW! Nope, that's what maintenance dude thought, too... Thanks so much for your comments, Heather! xo

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  10. Haha. Our dogs are TOTALLY our babies. No judgement here ;)

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    1. Thanks Jenn and Casey! New followers! And a package deal, at that! YEA ME!!! You two rock.

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  11. LMAO!

    I get the small dog thing, totally afraid I'd step on it and kill it. I also think small dogs are cats having an identity crisis, because no self respecting dog would shit in a litter box.

    Like your Mudge, my dogs (3 of them totaling 150+ lbs, divide evenly'ish) are not spoiled. They do not sleep in my bed. The sleep in the kids' beds, thereby not interfering with my comfort.

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    1. I knew you would get it, A!! p.s. Do small dogs shit in litter boxes?!

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    2. They have to the bathroom more often because their digestive track is so small. Despite training it's not uncommon to find a little poop somewhere, even if they go out on a regular basis, so some people train them to use litter boxes.

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  12. Hysterical! My neurotic Weimaraner is too much of a pansy ass to go to the dog park anymore. So, I must entertain myself by talking to him, making him homemade dog treats, catering to his every whim. What? You think those might be contributing factors to his pansy ass status? Wha????

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