You can't look away

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How to get V.D. I'm here to help.

Let's talk about V.D.

No, not that kind. I can't help you there. Valentine's Day is here, guys. If you haven't done anything yet you are pretty much screwed. Which means you won't be getting screwed. We can't have that can we? Nobody likes blue balls (except maybe Papa Smurf.) I'm here to help. Here are some universal truths about what (and what not) to do on the day of AMORE.

Valentine's Day is important to your lady. Any woman that tells you different is a lying liar. Just get over it and get into it! It doesn't have to be expensive. Did I just write that? We are not married so yes, I said it. It doesn't have to be expensive! Don't tell me you "don't believe in Valentine's Day.." If it's important to her (and it is) it should be important to you. Do you believe in blow jobs? Uh huh. That's what I thought. Keep reading.

Let's go over the basics.

Flowers- Always good. We'll even take carnations, which are the Wal-Mart of flowers. Bonus points for roses, delivered (sans baby's breath- are you taking her to Prom?) Double bonus points for any color other than red. Do NOT show up with fake plastic flowers because, "they last forever!" Or because, "these are genuine silk!" Just don't buy anything for her from the effing gas station, except gas, ever- ok? *sigh*

Chocolates- The only way you can go wrong is the seriously waxy, cheap "chocolate flavored candies" with a gooey cherry center. Who the hell likes that? Maybe your Grandma? Blech. Get the good stuff (which is also not at the gas station or by the register where you get your various ointments.)  Insider tip: The gift of pricey calories also means, "No, I don't think you're fat- eat this!" That's a panty-dropping sentiment right there. Bravo.

You romantic, you.

Restaurant- Good in theory but let's clarify: If, God forbid you are picking the place, just make sure of a few things. Get a babysitter, and a reservation. Which means this place better not have a drive thru, (really?!?) or a menu that is posted on a wall.  No "endless bucket o' wings" please. Anything that features a "bucket o'.." is a no-go. In fact, anywhere that does not have a children's menu is a great start. Bonus points if the place has tablecloths. Bitches love tablecloths.
If you are low on funds, cook for her. We love this! You also have to clean up. We love this even more!

Don't take her to the Golden Corral because "you heard it's classy" and they now have a "chocolate fountain." Personally, I have never darkened the door of that fine establishment but if you're ever worried about finding a chocolate-covered Band-Aid or ciggie butt in your dessert, I'd rethink this. No. Just no.

Massage/Pampering- This is a favorite but get it from a spa-type salon. Bonus if it's a salon she likes. Don't try to pass off one of your homemade coupon books for "1 free foot rub" or some bullshit like that. That is basically your idea of foreplay. Nice try.

Weekend Away/Hotel Stay- Aww yeah.. now we're talking, but again let's clarify; Yes, you get an 'A' for effort but many men don't realize that the "star" rating system for hotels is directly related to the quality/quantity of sex you will be having later in said hotel. Let me break it down:

✭✭✭✭ Four Seasons Resort- Mind-blowing sexy-time involving multiple positions, locations, trashy lingerie/costume changes, etc. Best night of your life.
½✭ Motel 6 by the airport- Possible half-hearted hand job during Letterman.

Your call.

This is of course subjective, but I'm also not a fan of anyone in a g-string and tube socks doing a sexy dance in the bathroom while I remove my make-up. Unless you are Justin Timberlake.

One: Cut a hole in a box.

Other very slippery areas include but are not limited to:

A stuffed bear that says I WUV U- I'm not 7 years old and I spend a lot of time now picking up fuzzy entrails of the kid's toys that our dog disembowels.

Clothes or lingerie- wrong size either way is a minefield.

Jewelry- unless she picked it out or a female friend helped.  In other words, if Jane Seymore designed it, chances are I don't want it. I'm not into the "medicine woman" look. (If your special lady is, super. I'm not here to judge.)

Kitchen/Exercise equipment- even if she asked for it. I know.. cuckoo. I can't explain it, just trust.

I fully acknowledge this is a very specific and very bitchy list. Have we met? I guess I'm still a little bitter because even though we finally became engaged on Valentine's Day many moons ago, the Current Legal Spouse took his sweet time about it. I can't tell you how many years he would push a pretty box toward me and mutter, "Here ya go- it's not a ring if that's what you're thinking.." Wow. Way to sweep me off my feet, Casanova. He finally got it right, put a ring on it and has been making it up to me ever since. He is now a seasoned veteran, combining several items from the above list, further securing his spot as DILF Of The Year.

If you have a low maintenance gal that doesn't care about all this, consider yourself VERY lucky. I don't know any hetero women like this- I believe it's an urban myth. Maybe at the very least get a funny card to cover your ass. Some women, single OR married just go out and buy their own Valentine's gifts. I love it! Go, girl! Self love and all that.

And guys, if you're stumped just ASK HER! But be prepared for the answer. If she says, "Surprise me!" refer to this list. If you ask her and she pulls out a 3 page itemized list of her own, pretend to read it but run for the hills. She is high maintenance and will torture you for life. Just ask Current Legal Spouse. (We can hardly feel sorry for him because he had plenty of warning and still proposed, amiright??) He knew damn well what he was getting. He's never been happier. Just ask him. Go ahead.

In summary, yes- V.D. is a tricky, sticky subject that most men try to avoid but if you want to get it right, I am here to help.

You're welcome. Happy V.D.!!!


  1. Cher, I LOVE this. So perfect. Every man should read and abide. Love from your husband, Sonny PS...I got you a necklace from Harry Winston b/c I am rich like that.

  2. Rach...this post rocked, though I have to argue about the half hearted handjob during Letterman. A man takes me to a half star hotel, I'm gonna be putting on more clothes to protect myself from the critters that are likely permanent tenants, and telling the man if he whips it out, it will be a long time before he puts it in. Food for thought.

    1. You're right Blondie- there ain't gonna be no action in a Motel 6.. who am I kidding?

  3. Great list, but the health dept. shut down the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral last year, so don't make the same mistake I did and drive an hour out of your way for naught.

    Actually, the chocolate fountain is what you get AFTER eating at Golden Corral.

  4. Oh, also, guys don't care how hearted the handy is as long as it gets the job done.

    1. Yes, but I said "possible handy.." which means it's possible we will fall asleep mid-stroke..

  5. I told my husband I'd go all Lorena Bobbitt on him if he ever got me any of that tacky Jane Seymour jewelry...yeccch.

    1. Haha! You are my kinda gal! Medicine Woman needs to stick to medicine.

  6. Bitches love tablecloths... LOL That's all I had to read!!

    1. They really do. Tablecloths give me a lady-boner.

  7. How am I just now finding you? Better yet-- How is it that my husband did not find this before VD?

    1. K- The important thing is we are together now! As far as V.D. you've got a hella good start on next year! I expect big things from your man! xo